Ladies, I Want To Hear From You…

kindness is magic


I love connecting with other moms on this really amazing social media platform, but sometimes I get a bit discouraged when things start to feel like a business of likes & follows& photoshop.I let my anxiety get the best of me…
 I made a decision to make a public account and link it to my blog so that I could connect with other moms and women like me, as well as women not like me. Women who are new to motherhood or even just curious about it. Women who like to empower each other. Women who are figuring their way around a new life with postpartum anxiety and are finding themselves short on resources. Women who have a very small village (if it takes a village, are we doing it wrong with our party of 2?). Or women just wanting to feel positive vibes from another mama and/or woman… Because we’re all in this together at the end of the day. 

But sometimes things and intentions and ideas get lost and found along the way. And sometimes you feel unheard and unremarkable.  
Sometimes it is discouraging. 

Sometimes it’s enlightening.
 This time it started off as the first, but ended up becoming the latter. 

I’ve got a little project in mind… And I would absolutely love to have you participate ladies. Yes, you. Mama & non-mamas welcome. A brutally honest space. A space for strong women (ps we’re ALL strong women). If any of this sounds like something you’d like to be a part of, please reach out to me though here or a message on Instagram (@alyssasroses)

 It will make me so happy to have all of you.
We’re all in this together.
Details to come… xo

Some Things I Want MY Non-Mom Friends To Know.

 I recently read an article titled “10 Things Non-Moms Say That Moms Would Love To Never Hear Again”

 In which a mama wrote an open letter/list telling her non-mom friends what they’re doing to make her upset.

Let me start off by staying I am absolutely not shaming this mother one bit. I applaud her honesty and voicing her thoughts about how she feels… I am however going to politely disagree with MOST of the things she’s listed. I’m going to disagree because I have other things to say to my non-mom friends that I hope make them feel open to asking me questions and not feeling as though they need to tip toe around me with their words. I don’t want there to be a massive divide between me & you. There is no us & them, it’s only US.

Unity amongst all women makes a lot more sense in my book.

Here we go… The things that some non-moms might say and MY response to that.

1. “I’m so exhausted”

 I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… You’re ABSOLUTELY allowed to say you’re exhausted if you don’t have kids. You can work your fucking ass off and be exhausted, childless. Yes you can. Is being a new mom/ mom in general tiring? Yes it is. Very very much so. Absolutely the most tired I’ve ever been, ever. New levels of tired even… But our tired isn’t better than or above anyone else’s. I know how hard people work regardless of their parent or non-parent status because I’ve worked hard my whole life. You’re tired? I feel you boo, I get it. Friends, please don’t be afraid to tell me you’re tired too.

 

2. Telling me someplace isn’t ‘kid friendly’.

 Please DO tell me if something isn’t kid friendly to save me from the MASSIVE TERRIBLE anxiety attack I’d be having feeling uncomfortable in a setting not appropriate for children. Or tell me so that I can check it out myself and have a heads up to come prepared with lots of activities & snacks to keep my little entertained. Also, I completely support kid-free weddings. It just makes so much sense. In turn though, don’t get upset if I can’t go to something important for you because a good reliable babysitter is like GOLD out here. Rare.

 
3. Asking me to just get a sitter. 

None of my friends assume I can get a sitter at the snap of my fingers in LA because they all know how sketchy childcare out here can be and how crazy I am about who I let watch my kid. No shame here. I’d rather be safe than sorry.

 
4. “I would die if I found out I was pregnant.” 

If you feel like you would die if you found out you were pregnant, that’s how you feel. Doesn’t bother me because we are two different people with two different lives. Use your birth control correctly and hopefully you’ll never end up in a situation where you’ll have to choose. But if you do, I’ll support you wholeheartedly no matter what you decide. Having a kid is not for everyone. And we should all have the right to choose when or if we become parents.

 
5. “Where have you been??” 

Anyone dumb enough to ask me where I’ve been obviously isn’t my friend because they don’t know I’ve had a kid.

 

6. “I know what you mean, my puppy did this…” 

Having a dog is NOTHING like having a baby. Absolutely nothing alike. Not even a little, no matter how much you love your dog. But I also understand that my friends that have dogs & don’t have kids are just wanting to relate, and maybe talking about the being that they really really care about, helps them do that. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as it’s not excessive comparisons, I don’t really care.

 
7. Telling me what you’ll NEVER do once you have kids.

You can make all the rules you want about what you would never do when you have a kid… I know they’ll almost ALL fly out the window once the time has actually come. Again, this has nothing to do with me or my kid, so tell me all day long about your future awesome parenting skills. It’s cool with me. Better to have some type of plan rather than no plan.

 

8. Telling me I’m not fun anymore.

 I’m so much fucking fun, any friend that tells me otherwise obviously hasn’t seen me dance to Zootopia’s theme song by Shakira in the living room with Mia. My kid thinks I’m a fucking riot… So that qualifies me as fun in my book.

 

9. “How do you put up with this all the time?” 

How do I put up with this all the time? When I birthed my daughter, I also birthed a woman with a whole lot more patience than my former self ever even knew existed. The same will happen to you if you decide to have kids. If you don’t, don’t worry I’ll never ask you to babysit.

 

10. “I hate kids.” 

You hate kids? So did I until I became a mom. Now I melt at ALL the babies, I love them all haha (mine the most obviously). I don’t care if you hate kids, but if you hate MY kid… Then we have a problem.

There you go. Have kids. Don’t have kids. I really don’t care. Let’s all just be kind to one another, k?

 

Unity amongst ALL women ❤️

 

Mommy Night Out and ‘Me’ Time

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Christian Louboutin heels

 

For my Birthday I decided to call, okay let’s be honest, text my homegirls and invite them to a girls night out. I was toying with the idea for a while but didn’t commit to actually making plans until about a week before. I was going through what a lot of moms go through when they try to make plans without their little bundles of joy, guilt. I felt guilty for wanting to have a night out without diaper changes, temper tantrums and meal refusals. I didn’t want to dump the baby on my husband on one of his only nights off, just so that I could go out & get tipsy and then emotional about turning a year older in a city that worships the young. But I realized that feeling guilty about leaving OUR baby with her daddy that worships the ground that she runs on, is just silly. He’d yuck up their daddy-daughter time and I’d have a moment to catch up with friends and my sanity. So a couple nights before the ol’ Bday, out we went to enjoy the terrible service, strong cocktails, and amazing deserts that West Hollywood has to offer…

 

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I swear, we DO really all like each other regardless of the forced smiles on our faces… If I posted any of the other pictures though, they would fucking kill me

 

The next morning I woke up with a stomachache and a slight hangover, but more importantly a grateful heart. Grateful to have badass ladies in my life willing to take the time off to spend a night with a mama they don’t get to see very often these days. Grateful to catch up and laugh until my belly hurt. Grateful that my friends don’t mind me gushing over my daughter and shoving pictures of her in their face all night one bit. Grateful to have such a beautiful little girl who looks at mommy like she’s the moon, even when waking up in hangover hell with last night’s smoky eye smeared all over my face. Grateful to have a husband that supports his wife in whatever makes her happy, whether that’s woooooing it up with her ladies every once in a while or heading off to sneak a silent hike up Runyon Canyon for the solitude.

Although I know that as a mom, wanting a little ‘me’ time isn’t selfish at all, honestly, I don’t really realize it. I’m slowly but surely becoming okay with it. If I feed my own soul with time for myself, everyone benefits. But sometimes it’s hard to remember that, no matter how many times my husband reminds me to do so.

So a solo trip to the movies here, a little meet up with friends there, even accompanied by a camera roll full of baby pictures to sneak a peek at, can only do the mind, body & soul good.

Here’s to another year of changing, growing, learning, and a smell step towards self love with self care.

xo

 

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Just missing my baby & making a mental list of the errands I need to run tomorrow

 

30 Day Anxiety Challenge (Pt. 2)

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Runyon Canyon sunset view on Christmas

Walking up a heavily populated hill for 30 days straight may not seem like a big deal to many people, but to someone festering with full blown anxiety, it really is.

In my last post I shared about the hell that is Postpartum Anxiety, so in this post I get to share with you the sort of baby steps I took to start taking care of myself. To start feeling like I own a bit of my life again. To start feeling whole again.

I live at the foot of a popular hiking spot in West Hollywood called Runyon Canyon and up until December my attempts at getting my ass up that hill on an even close to regular basis, were beyond futile. I knew I wasn’t even close to being in the kind of shape I used to be before I had a baby. I knew that the days of getting hammered the night before and working it off the next day with my gorgeous friends, were long gone. And I knew that although I was more than okay with those days being over, there would be a million other much more beautiful young people there to take my young place & compare my present self to… To in turn have all eyes on me, the lone mother just pushing her pale mommy ass up a hill. I knew that never seeing a familiar face anywhere I go in this overpopulated city was getting too lonely to bear.

By the time my daughter turned 1 at the end of November, I was screaming for a change in the right direction. Not for my left over baby weight, for my sanity. I’d gotten so far beyond the point of fear & self hate that if I didn’t make some type of change I felt that I was going to seriously implode. I couldn’t bear the thought of my daughter growing up seeing a fear filled shell of a mom. I made a promise I’d give her so much more than I ever had and I intended on sticking to that.

I told myself that if I could just stick to putting myself in a very public place such as Runyon every single day for a month, it could only get easier to be seen and to be present… and to start to feel like I was a part of this crazy city. I mean, it had to have some type of positive effect, right? Anything had to be better than the now that I was in, then.

So I did it for a day. And then the next day I did it again. And then another day. And another. halfway into it, there were eventually a few days that I had to miss due to every one of us at home getting sick at one point or another but I made up for it by adding on another day. The promise was just to do this 30 days, even if it took 40 days. Fellow moms with small children will understand, that timetable was still pretty good.

The beginning was obviously the hardest. When I passed anyone heading towards us, I instantly always shifted my gaze. I rarely made eye contact. I mean most people in LA don’t, let’s be honest. In my past 5 years of California living, I’d honed in on my ROYAL resting b***h face and it was perfect. It was my best form of protection out here. I was absolutely sure that everyone was judging harshly the winded sweaty mom pushing a stroller up hill at 3pm. It was uncomfortable and in the beginning every time I left my house, I dreaded it. Slowly but surely though, I started to realize that this phrase rings true:

“No one thinks about you as much as you do.”

So you’re much better off reevaluating how much you actually take things personally rather than worrying about what the hell other people are thinking about you. Chances are they’re probably not thinking about you at all. And if they are thinking about you, knowing that whatever they do think will not make or break you. If theyr’e judging you, it’s because they themselves feel insecure. People’s opinions of you REALLY are NONE of your business.

Trying to keep this in mind I kept going and day by day it got a little easier physically & emotionally to complete the challenge. I shared with close friends what I was up to and invited them to join, and some even did. *Shoutout to the homies

Somewhere in-between the realization that Nike is making bank off of Runyon Canyon in size ‘S’ & ‘XS” and the first smile at a passerby on my mama-baby trek, a shift started happening. A shift in my being and it was slow but just too good.

After a while it no longer felt like a Me vs. Them world and after bearing the weight of that feeling most of my life and specially the past 5 years, and SPECIALLY this last year, I finally felt like I could breathe. I could actually breathe that smoggy air and not mind at all. Not even one bit. Okay maybe a little bit, it’s disgusting. Have you seen the blanket that covers the city every day?

Anyway, I’m not saying that I landed a cure all here. What I am saying though is that dopamine is my homeboy after being a once long lost friend. Not just dopamine from the physical act of working out, but as the result of every chance I took shooting a smile and increasingly receiving one back. From setting a goal and not giving up on it. From feeling whole again. I don’t know what I expected coming out of this challenge I set for myself, I certainly didn’t expect a cure for anxiety… But what I’m taking away from it is invaluable. Knowing that every single day I leave my house, regardless of destination, baby on hip or in stroller… I AM going to feel anxious, that has been and will always be a part of who I am. But just being okay with that, it’s so freeing. This is a 30 day challenge that put me a half a step closer to accepting myself. Watch out LA.

xo

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Pretending to be tourists while our daughter judges us harshly

 

The Hell That Is Postpartum Anxiety (Pt. 1)

 

 

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t-shirt by Mulberry Press Co.

Anxiety is scary. Living it is so scary. And talking about it is so unbearably scary that I’ve been putting this post off for a long time. I don’t know who will relate to what I have to say, I don’t know if laying it out on the table will make me seem relatable or make me sound crazy… But at this point I really don’t really care, I can’t keep it to myself any longer.

Before I even begin to tell you about the 30 day challenge I gave myself to rid my anxious mind of all it’s noise, I first need to open up about what led me to do it.

Now almost a year after becoming a mom, I’m finally walking out of a haze of worry and confusion that I should have dealt with a long long time ago. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels like a big warm hug that I’ve been in need of for longer than I care to admit. Looking back, I’ve been drenched with anxious tendencies since I was just a little girl and I’ve been blind to it up until now. Maybe if I hadn’t waited 27 years to start becoming self aware, Postpartum Anxiety wouldn’t have hit me like a ton of bricks the way it had. Maybe if my Doctor or my doula had just mentioned to me even once that these things happen and that it would be normal… Maybe if there wasn’t such a lack of awareness surrounding PPA… I would have felt more comfortable asking for help. I look back on my first year of motherhood and I can’t help but feel such an insane mix of emotions. I robbed myself of fully experiencing my journey into motherhood and I can’t go back and fix that beginning. I can’t get that time back. It’s never going to happen again for me. Although I ate up and adored every coo, every smile, every hiccup, every cuddle, every breastfeeding and bonding moment, it pains me to admit how consumed I was with fear and worry almost every single second.

Fear about motherhood. Fear about if I was possibly doing this right. If I could even pull off this new immense title. If I could raise another human being and not have them turn out as fucked up as I think I am most of the time. Fear about my marriage. If our relationship could withstand all of the dynamics that parenthood brings. Fear about if I even deserved this life that seemed too good to be true for someone like me. Fear about fitting into this messed up anti-children city.

Fear about worry.

Worry about fear.

Fear about nothing at all and everything all at once.

Living in a constant state of uncomfortable and disconnect. The confusion that surrounds it while I knew I was supposed to be consumed by baby bliss, rather than with fear & dread, it ate me up. It further perpetuated the notion that I’m not good enough and that there’s something wrong with me. I listened to endless podcasts & audio books about ridding anxiety on the way to work, I bought physical books on anxiety, I bought ebooks on anxiety, I searched the internet for answers, and eventually I confided in a good friend who directed me to Alanon meetings which I attended for close to 2 months.

I tried everything except what I should have done: Ask for help. I didn’t know who to ask or where I would even begin. I let my pride, my ego and my fear (the three stooges) make all of my decisions for me. I didn’t know how to put into words what I was feeling, I could barely even explain it to my husband, who’s my best friend. Looking back, I should have taken his initial advice and simply spoken to my doctor, considered medication. I shouldn’t have downplayed my feelings. My major concern when I was pregnant was developing Postpartum Depression after the baby and since I didn’t feel I fit that description, I wasn’t sure anyone could take what I was feeling seriously. But it is serious. It’s serious because it hurts so fucking much. It’s serious because it effects you and it effects your family and it effects your entire life. And you don’t have to suffer. You don’t. have. to. I’m writing this now to tell you. Put your damn pride aside and ask for help. There is zero shame in it. ZERO.

You deserve to enjoy your life. You’re allowed to be happy without consequences.

I wish I could go back and say those words to myself.

But instead I’m saying them to you now.

Hindsight is 20/20. It’s easier for me now coming out of all this and looking back to know: That I CAN be a strong mother AND ask for help. That growing a human, giving birth and the shifting of hormones that comes along with that is ENOUGH of an explanation to ask for help. That becoming a mother brings up past shit that I didn’t want to deal with is enough of an explanation to ask for help. And even that no explanation is enough of an explanation to ask for help.

I now know that the transition from selfishness to selflessness doesn’t mean forgetting about myself or my self care. Finally getting on the road toward learning that I am so enough regardless of what I feel I’m lacking, today it’s enough. Heading towards figuring out that I can be a badass AND be proactive about coping with anxiety. It’s enough. I’m enough. You’re enough too, you know. You’re all enough.

And right now in this current moment, pressing publish and feeling completely naked… Knowing that this post may not be received well… I’m telling myself it’s enough.

I’ve spent way too long hating myself and I feel PPA and anxiety in general just isn’t a secret to be kept. I refuse to hate this part of myself any longer.

Love to you mamas & future mamas and non mamas. So much love to you for reading this.

xo

 

Pt.2  30 DAY ANXIETY CHALLENGE post up TOMORROW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘The Anxiety Chronicles’

Sometimes I feel like I should rename this blog ‘The Anxiety Chronicles’

For all the lack of writing.

All the things I’ve written and then deleted.

Maybe if I start writing about anxiety, I can start to realize that my entire being is not just that. I’m so many more things than that. But it can be suffocating and then at times completely suffocating.

In this golden age of social media, it’s become imperative to always put a best face forward for some… But we are not our profiles.

We’re human beings. And we get sad, and we feel anxious, and we can be consumed with the overwhelming feelings of life. But we don’t feel the need to share most of these things with the world, in fear of looking weak. So we judge those that do…

In hopes that no one else will ever judge us in the same way.

“If we could remove fear from our lives, can you imagine how fucking great we’d be??”

In the sake of fear and trying to diminish the word, I gave myself a 30 day challenge. I’m currently approaching the last week of it, so after all is said and done, I’ll have more to share. Right now I’d still like to savor it, before exposing it and myself to everyone.

I think I’ll enjoy this one for a little longer.

Details to come…

xo

Here. I. Am.

Alyssa’s Roses it is. What’s up with that title? Who does this chick think she is?

Well, I’m Alyssa and I’ve got a lot to say… Maybe you should listen. It’s been a while since I’ve taken some time to sit down & write and I just figured what better place than here? What better time than now? (Throwing in a little RATM, you like that?) So I’ve started a whole new blog and I’m equipped with a new camera and that same old uncensored mouth.

And I want to write about whatever the hell I want. And some of it may interest you and some of it may not. But it’s worth keeping up on so check back and see what this lady has going on!